EPISODE 10: LIFE… IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT

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I hope you all enjoyed the new mix (‘Fantastik Voyage’ – see Episode 9). Summer had officially arrived yesterday, so I thought it would be an appropriate time to write the next episode for you all. Winter & Spring were so wack. For all the great events, parties & career progression that I experienced over the first 6 months of 2011, I was never able to forget what had happened to my wife & puppies and how my life was turned upside down. In all honesty, I still haven’t gotten over the last few months but I’m getting a lot better at putting things into perspective. The summer is here – it’s time for a fresh start. During April & May, I started to experience symptoms of depression (I don’t mind sharing this with you because writing this blog is in fact, therapeutic). The last 2 months felt like torture. I would go to the store & go about my everyday grind, teaching & coaching 2 co-operative education students while managing the store’s day to day. After the long days I would go to class and barely make it through my quizzes and exams. A few nights a week I would head to the clubs as soon as the store closed and throw down with some of the city’s best DJs. In between all of this I tried to be a rock for my family, but I was failing miserably. My temper was often short (it still is), my moods would swing uncontrollably and I became sullen & lonely. I spoke to a few close friends & fam to let them know what I was feeling in case things ever got worse. I almost sought professional help. For all of my tweets about how much fun life has been, I was hiding what I really felt and holding everything inside really started to come out in different ways. My wife & kids all saw it. So did a lot of you. I had to figure sh*t out as soon as possible….

A few weeks after I put Deuce down, I decided to plant a tree in memory of my dogs. If you ask anyone that knows me, you will find out that I am the LAST person you would ever think would be into landscaping, gardening, planting flowers or anything of that sort. My parents were heavy into that stuff, but I had never been into it as a teenager. I never really cared for my backyard and would have rather paid a landscaper to pretty up my front & back lawns rather than do it myself. I’m that guy that holds the annual summer BBQ but has no idea how to use a grill (LOL!). My wife and I had already planted a tree last year. It became the lonely crabapple tree, standing tall and out of place in the middle of our backyard. We had planned on planting a couple more trees in the future, so we figured that a new tree might symbolically give us that new start we’ve been searching for. Once again, we did some research – this time for the right tree – and decided on something called a Japanese Maple. We brought it home during what seemed like a torrential downpour. Once the rain subsided, I dug a hole in the left corner of our backyard and off we went. As I dug the hole, a rainbow appeared behind me – I’m not joking. It felt pretty comforting actually. I dug a few feet into the ground, laid some soil in the hole, went into my house and called the boys to come outside. I went to my living room and took what was left of my 3 beloved dogs – an urn for Titus & dog tags for all 3. With the rainbow watching over us, my sons & I each buried a memento of one of the dogs in the ground. Quentin placed Shelby, Malcolm placed Deuce and I finally destroyed Titus’ urn placing him in the hole with his tag & his new friends. My wife and I let out a huge sigh, as we buried the dogs and planted our tree of life on top of them. She was most partial to Shelby – after we planted the tree she took one of the ribbons Shelby had worn on the day she died and tied it around a branch of the new tree. Miscarrying, suffering the pain of what had happened with the dogs and staying positive for our sons, all while supporting me through what I was going through took its toll on her too. I give her PROPS for that, along with a whole lot of respect.

We now had 2 big trees planted in our backyard – both at very young stages. We had our ‘Tree of Life’ – a vibrant, living organism that we could care for while remembering our dogs. Oddly enough, an addiction had started! My wife and I found ourselves discussing more possibilities. We bought more trees, more plants, more shrubs. We planted trees in another corner of our yard and laid out a blueprint of our landscaping for the summer. With every Sunday came a new item from the nursery that we would place strategically in our yard. Even our family members started helping us with the digging & planting. A couple of weeks ago, we all got together like a small army and worked on the yard over BBQ (which of course I didn’t grill LOL) and capped the day off by watching the NBA Finals (go Mavs). Our new hobby not only brought my immediate family closer together, it also allowed us to spend some quality time with others. A week after that get together, my wife and I opted to grind it out on Father’s Day and finish what we had started. I furiously dug out the grass on each corner of my yard and we spent almost the entire day landscaping around our ‘Tree of Life’. We found a new hobby and together we became the unlikeliest of green thumbs! Once the last bush was planted and the last handful of topsoil was placed on the ground, we set out to water our new creation. I almost shed a tear looking down on what I had worked so hard to complete over the last 2 months. Personally, I had turned several negatives into one huge positive. As with my experiences with Shelby & Deuce, I put my heart and soul into this new project, all the while thinking of them with every living thing I planted in the ground. The feelings of closure and personal fulfillment that I felt when I looked at the finished product was overwhelming. In many ways, I am writing this to dust the dirt off my shoulder and pat myself on the back. “Why” you ask? Because the first 6 months of this year really could have been worse than they turned out to be. I am a fighter by nature. I fought to keep my sh*t together and in the end, things weren’t so bad after all. It takes a strong person to own up to his mistakes and make amends for them in the face of shame & adversity. Believe me, I’ve made way too many mistakes to still be enjoying life as I see it. I am a very fortunate and grateful person. I hope that some of you can learn from my mistakes and use me as an example for when things start to slide downhill for YOU. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep pushing in order to see it….

Below, I’ve attached some pics of what we worked on over the last 2 months (front & back). Not bad for a first timer huh? If you already follow me on Twitter (@djkariz101), hit me up and tell me what you think! Oh, and contrary to what some of you have already been saying, I will NOT be doing this for your backyard anytime soon LMAO! I will be more than happy to help with the small stuff though. Holla at me if we’re close like that.

So what’s next for me? Well, we’ve decided that although we are absolutely not ready for another dog, we will definitely be rescuing one in the future. Who knows, maybe a good dog will find us… Also, I’m reaching the final stretch of my last college semester. In 5 weeks, I hope to be able to say that I am a college graduate. Let’s keep our fingers crossed yes? Lastly, back in May I researched “Saint Bernard Puppies” on a few sites and was not surprised to find Debbie Pilon’s ad “GIANT SAINT BERNARD PUPPIES FOR SALE”. It was the exact same ad as I had seen before, only the e-mail address had been changed to something like giantsaintbernardpuppies@hotmail.com. In the ad, was a picture of 3 puppies and Deuce was in it. Pretty sad that even after everything that had happened Debbie Pilon still posted a new ad trying to sell more puppies and using a picture of at least 1 that is deceased. I tried to find it just now so I can post the link, but it seems as though the ad was taken down! I’m gonna have to give the OSPCA a call. Let’s hope they give us a good update! Hey Debbie, I haven’t forgotten about you – your LaDoghouse business is shut down and it looks like you aren’t selling puppies right now. This is music to my ears….

My peoples, please don’t ever forget this one very important fact: LIFE is what YOU make it. Good luck and Godspeed!

K.